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Dope  Elope

DOPE ELOPERS

2X DOPE

7/1/2018

1 Comment

 

My momma never though I’d get married. Well I did momma and it’s been two years since it happened. 2 WHOLE YEARS and now in our 3rd state! Our whole relationship has been non traditional. Or maybe we've started out own traditions #perspective.

I gave Bey my whole life and she took it on with grace. Blended family, in laws, confusion, and a sprinkle of depression. We’ve had great two years because we’ve decided to. 

​If you’ve paid the slightest attention or if we are actually friends, you know all about our dope elope. What you don’t know you is how Bey showed me (continues to show) that she has my back; that she’s in this. When we met I had hit my rock bottom. I didn’t need rehab or anything but it was MY rock bottom. 

She is still picking me up. ​Bey picked me right up and said “let it go, God’s got us”. She said it not knowing what my relationship with God was. That was besides the point because she had a relationship with God and they spoke often. I am a work in process and Bey is a miracle working saint 

I can’t speak to what my life would’ve been without our DOPE ELOPE but I know that it’s been amazing having done it. We are so strong together. Thank you for a great two years, Mikki Bey. 

Stay Dope,

ERAC

1 Comment

MARRIAGE SCHOOL: Hard Knocks Come

12/29/2017

1 Comment

 
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​As of today, we have been married for 544 days or 1 year, 5 months and 26 days. In the big scheme of things, this is no time at all. I hope we are one of those #realtionshipgoals posts in 49 more years. But all things considered, I am pleased that we are not just “hangin’ in there” but we are thriving in our marriage because we are students of each other. 

In just over 500 days, we have endured deaths on both sides, moved across the country, started new careers, blended our family and learned to be married to a stranger (see previous posts for backstory) SHEESH! Just one of those life changes is enough to cause a decent size crack in a budding marriage. We have managed to pull closer through all of that but it has NOT been easy. 

Life. Changes. 

We have chosen to be like water and flow around the mountains and over the molehills. Perfection is unattainable, we just strive to stay accountable and responsible to and for each other. The one certainty is that life will change. We will endure many more cycles. While we are enrolled in “Marriage School” we have to blindly trust in the process, be open to growth and be committed to prayer for direction and protection of our union. 

What I have learned being Mrs. Edward Raheem Ali Crawford:
​
  1. My spouse is one of the greatest spiritual teachers of my life!
  2. I need CREDIT!!! Edward developed a system of showing appreciation for things I do for him. When I do something he likes, he sends me a text with a predetermined “credit” emoji. It is amazing what I will do to see that emoji!
  3. Expectations need to be constantly reassessed. Meeting my spouse’s expectations has been a challenge but we talk through it constantly. He is aware of my effort and he is also aware of the struggles I have in changing lifelong behaviors. It’s dance. He leads.
  4. Presence over Presents. I love shiny, blingy, expensive things but my hubby is a minimalist. I have grown to love this about him. We now look for inexpensive ways to show our love or have a date night without breaking the bank. Quality time is free. I treasure his thoughtful handmade gifts more than anything he could buy me.
  5. I should consider the budget before purchasing (still working on this, see #3).
  6. Don’t tell him what to do!
  7. He ALWAYS chooses me.
  8. I ALWAYS choose him.
  9. Love is great but commitment is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better!
  10. Being married to him was the scariest but best decision I have ever made and I would do it again and again and again and again!
What are some of the lessons your marriage has taught you?

​Drop us a line in the comments and don't forget to share!

Stay Dope this holiday season.
​-MBC
1 Comment

DOPE FASTING

4/17/2017

5 Comments

 
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Easter has always been my favorite holiday. As a child, my mom and I would dye eggs, eat chocolate bunnies and I would always wake up to elaborate Easter baskets. Once I became an adult, Easter took on a deeper meaning as I began to understand the meaning of celebrating Resurrection day.

Last year for Lent, I gave up dating, talking to men on the phone and even flirting in the hopes of removing all distractions from the opposite sex to focus my love and attention solely on God. I was not fasting for anything in particular. I only wanted a deeper connection with God BUT on Easter Sunday last year when I broke my fast, I met my husband online (won’t HE DO IT)!!!!! Then tragedy rocked my world the very next day when I received word that my mother died.

As Lent approached this year, I wondered how I would react. It coincided with the one year anniversary of my mom’s death. I explained to Ed how sacred my sacrificial time has always been and he decided to join me on the fast.  We decided to give up social media. This year we really need to hear from God and God alone! Free from the constant pinging of notifications, we could really commune with God.

Here are 5 things we learned while fasting from social media:
  1. Uninterrupted personal connection is a MUST! Putting phones in another room while we watch a movie or TV made us more present. Letting the phone ring or ping while we were spending quality time became the norm.
  2. We didn’t miss it anything!!! Literally, nothing. Social is the same as it was when we left.
  3. We have less friends than we thought. Social media can make us feel popular but when we unplugged, we saw that we only truly connect with a handful of people offline.
  4. We don’t know anyone’s birthdays without Facebook. Those birthday reminders are clutch! Without them, I had to resort to setting reminders in my phone to be sure I didn’t miss some bdays of loved ones.
  5. It’s easier to give God time when you designate a time and space. I prefer the bed at 7AM for prayer, bible study and affirmations. Ed heads to our balcony for his quiet time. We both found that setting a time to be in the presence of God was extremely helpful. Ultimately, we make time for what’s important.
    ​
This lenten season is my first as a married woman. It was so beautiful to experience sacrificing with my husband as we both sought a closer relationship with God. This holy time of focusing on only God and each other was invigorating. I saw my husband growing as the spiritual leader of our household, engaging in meditation and solo prayer time. By far the sexiest thing he could do for us is seek God for himself. Now, Lent is over and we are both back on social media. But this time around we have clear boundaries for how much time we will spend looking at a screen instead of each other or God.
Stay Dope!

-MBC
5 Comments

Where they do that at???

2/14/2017

3 Comments

 
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So we often joke about “what could have been”. You all know our little love story and how magically fast it all happened. I (we) still get the side eye when we tell our story to strangers. Even if they don’t say it, their face always expresses, "Where they do that at?!"

7 months in and it still feels good. Granted 7 months isn't a great amount of time. However, before I got married, a 7 month relationship was ground breaking. I was actually known for being disgruntled in relationships and often made it "convenient" for women to break up with me (don’t judge me).

I assume the biggest reason we get the side eye is because getting engaged on the first date, after only one conversation and a hand full of internet exchanges, is particularly troubling. Mostly due to the fact(s) that you haven’t accounted for all of the things that could potentially go wrong. The “what ifs”, if you will. Even if you do it the “right way” you still run the risk that your spouse may change, feelings may change, the world may change. Guess what??? That’s everyone, in every relationship. Yeah I know, that’s hippie talk. It isn’t lost on me that dope eloping was full of risk, but you don’t think of that when “you know”… so let’s think about it now…. Any of the following could have stopped (or hindered) our awesomeness:

LIKE:
  • What if the sex isn’t good?
  • What if one of us had incurably bad breath?
  • What if she had Lela Rochon's feet (Boomerang)
  • What if we don't get along?
  • What if I had athletes foot, ALL THEE TIME?
  • What if I ran illegal cock fights on the weekends?
  • What if our families don't get along?
  • What if you values didn’t align?
  • What would I have done if she turned out to be a ratchet queen?
  • What if my kids hate her?
  • What if I had a felony case pending?
  • What would she have done if I kept an arsenal of guns in my trunk for sale?
  • What is she was a Redskins fan?

You probably can think of ten more. Luckily for us there weren’t a ton of “deal breakers” that caused us to spiral downward. When courting, deal breakers rear their ugly heads and you get to say “whew, I dodged a bullet” when you break up. We, on the other, hand, decided that no hill would be insurmountable (we prayed). With all of that said, and I’m not a “luck” type of dude, but we got lucky. The odds were stacked against us because, after all “where they do that at?" 

​Most people take years getting to know their mate before making the decision to enter into a full time partnership and yet all of us married folk are aware of the high divorce rates in America (they vary depending where you research). The fact of the matter is no matter whether to take 90 days to dope elope or if you tease it out for two years, the chances for success are about the same. 
​
Stay Dope on Valentine's Day,

​ERAC
3 Comments

The path dope travelled...

12/27/2016

0 Comments

 
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When I was growing up the most exciting thing I did on Christmas, besides eat, was go to the movies. This year, my new wife and I decided to do Christmas in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. How's off-roading for a little excitement?! I do like an adventure, but Bey is more of a champagne and massage type.  However, it was her idea to go on an ATV RIDE. NOTE: Be forewarned that if you come to these parts during the holiday, they make sure to double the normal price of touristy stuff. We found out that the hard way. Cabo, like Southern California is pretty barren (think Palm Springs).  It rains less than 7 days a year and because there's no other major industry, they rely on tourism, so prepare to spend. PLAN PLAN PLAN! 

Back to the ATV. I was super proud of Mikki for getting up on that machine because she does not live on the edge like I do. If she had to choose between a deep tissue massage and going off roading, there is no choice. We were in a group of 16 mostly couples and one family. If I had to put money on who would win a race out of the ladies in the group my money is on Mikki! She did great! At one point she was shouting obscenities at a man going really slowly attempting to take a picture of his wife on a narrow bridge suspended at the top of a mountain (you weren't allowed to use cameras while driving the atvs). She wasn't happy!
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Mad cute son
​All in all, we had a great time. I know she was thinking of me when she chose the activity but it turned out to be an experience she really enjoyed.

Stay Dope,
​ERAC 

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5 Ways to Support your spouse who is grieving

12/19/2016

10 Comments

 
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If you've been keeping up with our blog you know that my mother died the day after I met Edward. On March 27th I was filled with hope for the future but by March 28th my entire world had been shattered. Needless to say, this was a less than ideal time to take up with a new man. However, I believe Edward was brought to me specifically at this time to keep me from becoming completely unhinged. God knows who and what we need. 

We met online, spoke once, got engaged on our first date and married 90 days later. This all happened in my most vulnerable state while I was in dealing with immense grief. It would be hard for any husband to support his wife through this type of loss but my husband had only just met me! How would he know how to comfort me? Would I feel comfortable allowing him in that deep? Yes we were already married but in truth we were strangers! WHERE WAS THE PANIC BUTTON!!!!
But for the grace of God, my husband knew exactly what to do for me instinctively. Here are a few of the ways he is helping me cope with my new normal.

1. He rode the wave. Some days I would be my naturally bubbly, charismatic self but other days were filled with a spontaneous combustion of tears. No matter how I was feeling he remained a constant pillar of strength. He never tried to shut me up or make me talk. He was just riding the waves with me.

2. He loved me, nah like REALLLLLLLLLY LOVED ME! There were days I ate entire boxes of cookies or I failed at personal hygiene. He let me eat or not bathe for a time but with gentle encouragement he let me know that I was his responsibility and he could only allow me to sink but so far. I had to make an attempt at living. His acceptance of me in all states assured me that his love may have been new but it was real!

3. He let me fall. I fell right into his arms. He held me, wiped my tears, ushered me away from the public when he saw my eyes well up. He let me ugly cry. I remember being at dinner on our first trip together as a couple when I suddenly couldn't finish my dinner. He took one look at me, asked for the check and promptly got me up to our hotel room to let me get it out. He was aware of me. The slightest emotional change was noted and acted upon.

4. He made plans with me. After losing the most important person in my life, I had a hard time seeing the future. I felt stuck in a hole. But he was constantly planning. He had our fitness goals top of mind. He spoke of our desire to move out of state. In short, he provoked me to consider that I had more to live for than to allow myself to wither away.

5. He prayed for me. We pray together every night but somehow he finally told me that he prays for me while I'm sleeping. I was shocked to learn that my husband hand been laying hands on me in my slumber as he spoke to God concerning me! Can the church say Amen?!

I'm nowhere near the end of the emotional roller coaster of grief but I am slowly healing. He was a great example of the love and concern a spouse should have for their grieving partner. Now I have to return the favor. My husband is experiencing a loss a of his own. I will seek to be everything he has been for me and more. Together we will heal from our losses. In time, we will be restored. The grace extended will never be forgotten.


Stay Dope,
MBC

10 Comments

Intense Fellowship

9/28/2016

0 Comments

 
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Before I got married, I dreaded having to have a "talk" with a man I was dating because the talk almost never gave me the results I desired. Now, as a married woman, I have a completely different experience when my husband and I have to have a "talk."

Intense fellowship a.k.a. arguing can be such a blessing. I'm fortunate that my husband and I get along 95% of the time but that 5%....WHEW, HELP ME LAWD! We have figured out our conflicts usually happen around the time Aunt Flow shows up (PMS is mad real). Anyhow, we have decided to develop a few rules for how we deal with each other when we encounter disagreements.

1. Don't be Petty!
I can be Petty McPettyson in an argument! Going tit-for-tat only makes the situation harder to resolve.


2. Give up your right to be right!
This is specifically key for women since we are USUALLY RIGHT (we can still be right but let him think he is)! If your husband is like mine he thinks he's ALWAYS RIGHT! While the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, don't allow the need to assert your "rightness" get in the way of loving your mate.


3. Listen more than you talk!

4. Fight fair!
We love each other! Low blows are damaging and have long-term effects on relationships. We can choose to lay out facts without going below the belt.


5. When all else fails KISS!
It is so hard to keep a frown on my face when my man shuts me up with a kiss! The problem can be on the table without discarding the baby and the bath water! Physical touch is healing.


Every time Edward and I have had a real disagreement, it has brought us closer. Arguing evokes honesty if you remove the emotion. I recall our first big argument, we were furious with each other! After we both settled down we worked on the root issues and made a plan. It was beautiful. It built more trust.
We strive to listen, be attentive and validate feelings. Open dialogue is a gift and sometimes it's not wrapped in a pretty package.
​

Stay Dope!
-MBC
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Learning Headship

9/12/2016

0 Comments

 
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I'm going to end my vulnerability series on the topic of HEADSHIP, what it means and more importantly, what it means to me (us). If you read Mikki's post on submission, she breaks down how she views marriage from a woman's perspective, the submissive woman. On the flip side of that coin is the man's place in the position of headship. Although I did get one example for a prosperous marriage, It was only in small glimpses because I went to a private boarding school where I only came home on the weekends. In my opinion, this put me (many of us) at a disadvantage when it come to leading a household. I mean, how could I lead when I had, on many occasions, questioned my own faith in the institution? 

I didn't understand the concept fully until we went to premarital counseling. There we learned from a couple that had been teaching the class for almost as long as they’ve been married (20 years). They taught us that the man needs be the protective covering for his family. 

I initially thought that a husband switch would turn on when I found the woman I wanted to marry. But of course, it didn’t. I also thought that when people say that “marriage takes work”, I didn’t realize that most of the “work” is work on oneself. 

My greatest challenge is to actually live up to a standard that I didn’t get to witness growing up. Some may think that it’s an innate thing to be “man of the house” and, in theory, it is. However, when you come from an environment that didn't provide tried and true examples it takes an open heart and mind to discover your shortcomings. I had to learn to give selfless in service of my wife. After so many years of only caring about my own immediate needs, I am on the path to complete oneness with another person. I am proud to say that my faith is growing stronger everyday, just as our young marriage is. 

Headship excerpt:
Christlike male headship means that you show strength wherever you can. You’re not a sphinx; you’re not a superman. You can and should show genuine emotion, and you should make clear to your son(s) that men get sad, men get angry at evil, men are tender and gentle with women. But like David charged Solomon, you’re engaged in a lifelong process of “showing yourself a man” and thus being strong for others (1 Kings 2:2). When hardship hits, headship persists.

Stay Dope,

ERAC

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August 30th, 2016

8/30/2016

1 Comment

 
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I was the queen of the first dates. In my 10 years of living in LA I have probably dated half of the city. My reasoning was simple: dating more should have increased my chances of finding love. I figured the law of averages would have to apply. If I went on 100 dates surely there would have to be ONE in the bunch!

After years of working my plan, I was exhausted. I didn't want to tell my life story again. I didn't want to waste a cute outfit and a beat face to be disappointed. I've cried, yelled and screamed at God to send me my husband but it didn't work. How could He let me be in such agony? Didn't He want me to be married? Can't he feel my heart breaking in one million more pieces after experiencing all of the rejection I endured. I finally surrendered.

I got busy loving God. I decided I wanted God more than a husband. I may have never gotten the man but I had to have God. I decided to give up everything remotely tied to a man for Lent. No flirting, dating, talking to men I found attractive, NOTHING! I flipped a switch overnight. I cut my roster and decided I would spend the time I would have ordinarily used for dating to watch YouTube sermons, pray, read my Bible and find out more about my maker. I stopped obsessing over finding my man. I became content with the idea of only having what God wanted me to have when He wanted me to have it.
I gave up my list of wants. I started being grateful for my very full and amazing life. It was when I let go, I received. Fully Surrendered!
​

Stay DOPE!
-MBC
1 Comment

Do you trust your spouse?

8/23/2016

8 Comments

 
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I was shocked by Mary J. Blige's divorce announcement a few weeks ago. I was even more shocked to learn that she and her husband didn't allow each other to have opposite sex friendships. Could that be at the root of the demise?

My husband's friends are mostly women. Before you start murmuring "girllllllllll....." let me say it's only an issue if it's an issue. Let me explain.

I firmly believe EVERY woman knows the man she married. If your man sniffs up every skirt, you know. If your man is a faithful as a Labrador you know that too! Not that there aren't exceptions but in general I think women know. So here is what I know about my husband. He's a man of his word. If he says she's a friend she's a friend. Now, he has said, "She's my friend but I did hit it back in the day." We all have those, I get it. Nevertheless, she's still his friend.

I made a decision to do things differently with my husband. My last relationship (10 years ago) really did a number on my self-esteem. I felt insecure because he was an NFL player and we were in a long-
distance relationship. I snooped and I found. I vowed that if I ever had the urge to look through someone's phone, go through their drawers or rummage through their car, I would just leave. I didn't like whom I was becoming as a result of my insecurity. It was about really about trust. I decided if I couldn't trust the one I'm with, I wouldn't be with him.

Trusting my husband has freed me. I don't worry about whom he is talking to on the phone, where he is or if he is in someone's DMs. I do not own him. He does not own me. We are together because we choose to be together. We make that choice every day. We have full transparency and respect for each other. I know all of his codes/passwords and he knows mine. But it's not to check behind one another. It's more for convenience of not having to bother him every time I want to use his phone, computer or iPad.

I remarked to my husband that I've lost nearly all of my male friendships since we've gotten married. Not because he told me to cut them but rather the majority of my guy buds self-selected out. My best friend is a guy I've known since I was 11. He asked me if I can still take his calls and I said absolutely! Edward knows exactly who he is and is not threatened by our friendship.

I believe that my husband will respect and honor me in whatever setting. He can have his friends and I can have mine. Our relationship is built on trust and openness. I cannot hold him or contain him from anyone or anything. He's with me of his own free will. We don't believe in forever. No one can promise that.  We are here. Together. Now and hopefully the next day. We both get to choose. I hope he chooses me for many more days to come and he's hoping I do the same.
Stay dope!
-MBC
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